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如果人们悲伤时会做一些没有意义的事，那只是因为人的生命没有任何意义，这才是悲伤呈现出的真相。

她闭上双眼。他或许不会再回来了，她心想，或许他会回来，却变成另外一个人。他们现在拥有的将一去不复返。然而对她而言，孤独的痛苦远比不上她曾经的痛苦，那种觉得自己一文不值的痛苦。他将美德给了她，现在它是她的东西了。与此同时，他的人生在他面前展开，通往四面八方。他们为此做了很多好事。真的，她心想，真的。一个人真的可以改变另一个人。

她很小声地说：我看不出你想要什么。

他站起身，来到她面前。她像一只受驯的动物，一动不动地站着，每一根神经都得竖起来。她好大声哭出来。他把双手放在她的髖上，她张着嘴，等他亲了上去。这种感觉太强烈了，她感到眩晕。

我好想要你这样，她说。

很高兴听你这么说。我把电视关了行吗？

她爬上床，等他把电视关掉。他在她身边坐下，他们再次开始接吻。他的抚摸有催眠效果。一种舒适的钝感席卷了她，

她渴望把衣脱光。她在被子上躺下，他伏在她身上。一晃好多年了。她感到他的阴茎紧紧地抵在她的上，她的欲望强烈得让她颤栗。

嗯，他说，我很想你。

别人做不是这种感觉。

别人远没有我喜欢你。

他又吻了她一次，她感觉到他的手在她身上移动。她就像一个他可以伸手进入的深渊，一个他可以填充的空洞。她不假思地开始脱衣服，与此同时听见他解皮带的声音。时间是如此伸缩自如，仿佛在声音和动作之下延展。她面朝下趴在床上，脸理在床垫里，他抚摸着她的大腿后。她的身体不过是一件财产，它一直被四处转让，被人以各方式胡乱使用，然而它似乎从来都属于他，现在她觉得自己终于物归原主。

In just a few weeks’ time Marianne will live with different people, and life will be different. But she herself will not be different. She’ll be the same person, trapped inside her own body. There’s nowhere she can go that would free her from this. A different place, different people, what does that matter?

In seminars they express their opinions passionately and conduct impromptu debates. Unable to form such straightforward views or express them with any force, Connell initially felt a sense of crushing inferiority to his fellow students, as if he had upgraded himself accidentally to an intellectual level far above his own, where he had to strain to make sense of the most basic premises.

Helen has given Connell a new way to live. It’s as if an impossibly heavy lid has been lifted off his emotional life and suddenly he can breathe fresh air. It is physically possible to type and send a message reading: I love you! It had never seemed possible before, not remotely, but in fact it’s easy. Of course if someone saw the messages he would be embarrassed, but he knows now that this is a normal kind of embarrassment, an almost protective impulse towards a particularly good part of life.

In the weeks they’ve been apart, his emails to Marianne have become lengthy. He’s started drafting them on his phone in idle moments, while waiting for his clothes in a launderette, or lying in the hostel at night when he can’t sleep for the heat. He reads over these drafts repeatedly, reviewing all...

Everything is possible now because of the scholarship. His rent is paid, his tuition is covered, he has a free meal every day in college. This is why he’s been able to spend half the summer travelling around Europe, disseminating currency with the carefree attitude of a rich person. He’s explained it, or tried to explain it, in his emails to Marianne. For her the scholarship was a self-esteem boost, a happy confirmation of what she has always believed about herself anyway: that she’s special. Connell has never really known whether to believe that about himself, and he still doesn’t know. For him the scholarship is a gigantic material fact, like a vast cruise ship that has sailed into view out of nowhere, and suddenly he can do a postgraduate programme for free if he wants to, and live in D...

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